What is Triangulation?

Manipulation Tactic: Triangulation

Category: Emotional Manipulation

Red Flag Indicators

Triangulation involves one person using a third party to control, divert attention, or gain an advantage in a relationship with another person.

When stress or conflict arises between two people, they stop trying to resolve the issue directly. Instead, one or both individuals pull in a third person (who may be an intermediary, a messenger, a confidante, or a rival) to shift the focus, gain support, or diffuse the tension.

Often unintentional, coping mechanism, it becomes destructive when used habitually for manipulation.

Psychological Characteristics

Avoidance of Direct Conflict: The primary driver is an inability or unwillingness of the original two people to face their issues head-on. The triangle acts as a detour around unresolved emotional tension.

Insecurity and Need for Control: The individual initiating the triangulation (the manipulator or "persecutor") is often driven by deep insecurity, a need to feel superior, or a desire to control the narrative and the people involved.

Blurred Boundaries and Lack of Differentiation: For those involved, especially the third party, triangulation often signals a lack of clear boundaries and a struggle with differentiation of self—the ability to maintain one's sense of self and emotional objectivity while being in close relationships.

Role Assignment (Drama Triangle): Triangulation often forces individuals into one of three roles, perpetuating a cycle of manipulation and distress:

Persecutor (Villain): The one who blames, criticizes, or controls.

Victim: The one who feels helpless, hurt, or seeks sympathy and rescue.

Rescuer (Hero): The one who attempts to help or mediate, often enabling the conflict or neglecting their own needs.

Common Examples and Manipulation Tactics

| Romantic Relationships

Creating Jealousy One partner intentionally brings up an ex or flirts with a third party to make the main partner feel insecure and compete for attention or approval.

The "Go-Between" One partner refuses to communicate directly, instead using a child, friend, or family member to relay messages, complaints, or threats.

Diverting Blame A partner uses a third party's (real or imagined) opinion to validate their own hurtful behavior, e.g., "My friend/mom thinks you're too sensitive."

| Family Dynamics

Parent-Child Alliance One parent forms an overly close, secretive alliance with a child, using them as an emotional confidante against the other parent or a sibling.

Golden Child/Scapegoat a parent consistently favors and idealizes one child (the golden child) while blaming and devaluing another (the scapegoat), pitting them against each other for the parent's love.

Interparental Conflict parents argue in front of a child or ask the child to take sides, effectively pulling the child into the middle of an adult conflict.

| Friendships and Workplaces

Gossip and Rumor-Milling an individual spreads selective or false information about one person to a third party to isolate the first person or turn the third party against them.

Provoking Competition a friend or boss praises or elevates one person in front of another to foster rivalry or push the second person to strive harder for their approval.

Splitting An individual tells Person A a positive story about Person B, and then tells Person A a negative, often contradictory, story about Person B to a third person (Person C), creating confusion, distrust, and ensuring they remain the center of the communication flow.

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